Missing

It's nothing compared to the void in my heart.

Appreciation

We will never be able to thank you enough. The text messages, the emails. Comments, Facebook messages, Twitter replies.

In the darkest hour, which seems to literally be the darkest hour(s), I find comfort in your words and knowing that so many of you are thinking of us during this time.

Tomorrow, we return to work. Not because we feel we have to, but because we want to be a part of the world. We talked about it and made the decision together, and we are hopeful it is a good one.

However, this doesn't mean we've moved on. And we're really still not ready to talk about it. I've emailed the women I work with and asked them to honor my wishes. No hugs. No tears. No turn-your-head-to-the-side-kinda-smile stuff either. Just a Friday, where Natalie and Aaron come to work. Without their baby.

And even though I've asked the ladies at work not to talk about it, at least I will have the company, to talk about the weather or a television show. Please, if you think of it, pray for Aaron tomorrow. He will be out in the field by himself, which may prove to be very lonely.

I love my husband more than I ever thought imaginable. He is truly my best friend and soul mate.

Stuff

My grandma made us a blanket.

We have bottles and bears and pacifiers and diapers.

I told Aaron I want to keep it all. I'm not getting rid of it. I will put it in a box and not keep it out to look at. I won't be that mom. He would be creeped out by that.

I thought.

He just held me. He didn't have to say anything, I knew what he meant.

Untitled

My husband lays beside me, asleep, but barely. We have chosen not to leave each other's side, but to lean on each other, in every sense of the word. He is touching me more tonight than usual, rubbing my back and holding me close.

We have lost our baby.

And we are so, so lost.

It's funny how no one ever talks about the physical pain. We hear of the emotional pain, and My God, the emotional pain is there. But I did not know of the physical pain, of knowing what my body was doing, and not knowing why. Aaron watched me writhe in pain and heard the doctor say "Sweetie, there is nothing we can do. Please come to the office tomorrow". He felt hopeless, and so did I. There truly was nothing we could do.

I wanted to throw the phone across the room. I wanted to tell her to shut up or keep talking, I wasn't sure. I wanted to puke. The pain was so intense, that I nearly did.

But no amount of physical pain prepared me for this day, for hearing the ultrasound technician say, "There is no pregnancy". WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN? There IS a pregnancy. There HAS to be a pregnancy. No, not me. Not us, this is not happening.

Our lives will never be the same.

We find little things to laugh about, little things to bring us joy. America's Got Talent kept our attention for about 10 minutes tonight, then one of us recieved a text message. Oh, please forgive us for not wanting to talk right now. There just are no words.

I feel a jumbled mess. I wanted this post to be so eloquent, so beautiful, that you would know our hearts, but I can barely see the screen through my tears. And my husband, my best friend, is waiting for me to turn off the light so we can hold each other.

Did I Shave My Legs For This?

BlogHer recap, Part 1, go:

Checked into hotel room, met The Bloggess. Squealed like a child. Went to a private party with Clair, ate pizza that was NOT Chicago Style, met a wonderful gal named HighImpactMom and then met MooshInIndy. Who told me I'm having a boy. Won a free RideMakerz Car and a gift certificate to their store. Paid a whole bunch of money to be toted around in a cab because I'm too lazy to walk.

Woke up on Thursday with a headache, met Carrisa and went for lunch together. Spent too much, but enjoyed the company. Moved into a new hotel room, took a nap, went to some parties where I didn't get swag because I didn't know you were supposed to fight over it. Met Chris Mann, got a picture with him that is MIA, met Mercedes, ate more pizza that was not Chicago Style, went to bed.

Was late to breakfast Friday, learned how to set up a Wordpress account, heard women talk about body image, cried. Met Roni, am inspired by her story, started to get a bad headache, ate way too many Baked Lays. Walked around the expo, met and talked with Elizabeth Ward, author of "Expect the Best", she gave me a copy of her book and even signed it for me! Took a brief nap, went to Community Keynote, insisted on staying to hear Heather and in the course of 5 minutes, headache turned to migraine. Missed out on the party for preggos at The Land of Nod, cried to my husband and told him I wanted to come home, hung up and cried some more, cried myself to sleep, missing my husband and wishing I could take something stronger than Tylenol. Slept for 12 hours, felt like crap when I woke up, spent the whole day trying not to think about having a headache. Didn't go to a single session because a.) they were too full, b.) I am not a woman of color, a man, or bi-sexual. The sessions seemed way to specific to me, and even though I know women went to the "vaginally challenged" session, it didn't seem like a fit for me.

Brought home a bunch of stuff, from laundry detergent, to stuffed animals for my baby, read tweets and posts of people talking about those there for just the swag, and want to clarify: I did not go to BlogHer to get swag, I didn't even know what to expect re: free products, but am thankful no less for free bottles, pacis, and bears, because they make me feel like a mama preparing for the arrival of her greatest pride and joy. Which has nothing to do with the internet.

As the Tears Flow...

My thoughts are all over the place. I want to say the right things, but the words are not there. I am overcome with emotion and sorrow at the loss of a precious life, and overjoyed at the miracle of another. Life is a precious thing and not for one moment do I want to take for granted the blessing of life in me.

I think this is a season of quiet for me. And I think I have a lot to learn. Please forgive me while my words are few.

I've never learned anything while I was talking. - Larry King

9 weeks!

Inspired by the one and only Liz (a friend from college), I thought I would track my pregnancy right out here in the open for y'all to see.

I do not have morning sickness, and food does not sound appaling to me. I am hungry all day long, and after I eat, I want to eat more. I don't understand how something the size of a grape could take so much out of me. I've found that the only time I really feel sick is if I go too long without eating something, and then I can't eat anything.

I mostly want to eat tomatoes, cucumbers, and bread. And cheeseburgers. Oh, the cheeseburgers! I recently went through a non-meat eating phase, so this is really weird.

And wow, I'm getting dumb. It took me a couple minutes to remember how to spell "phase" in the last sentence. I spelled it FAZE. Baby brain. Oy.

I ate ice cream yesterday and it gave me a belly ache. Oh, the drama! How sad.

I don't sleep much. I am really tired, but can't get comfortable in bed, even with my Snoogle. I toss and turn, fretting about laying on this side or that side, should my arms be down or up or hanging off the bed or under my head and why do my arms fall asleep BUT I CAN'T???

And then when I finally do fall asleep, I wake up 6 times to use the bathroom. Yesss.

I cry. A lot. Over major things, minor things, silly things. I cry at work when I think about things that happened years ago, I cry in the car when I hear OnStar commercials. Oh, the hormones!

How personal should I get here? Cause there's more I could share, but I don't want to scare you away. Lets just leave it at this: my pants still fit, my tops still fit. The only garment that doesn't fit like it used to has two straps and they (used to) go over my shoulders. Nice.

A Photoshoot

Little Carly is a dancer, and little Carson is a charmer. Cute!

Getting to know Photoshop