Once Upon A Cline

Friday, January 9, 2009

It's 1 a.m. and I should be in bed

Okay, so I bought a new camera. It's a fun toy, but hopefully one day I will be able to take pictures of my family and friends, and even strangers. I know I have a lot to learn, but it's something I am passionate about, so I'm willing to put in the time to learn all I can. I've already spent hours on the computer doing research on digital photography, and also already purchased a lens that is currently on backorder but should be here by Tuesday.

Without further ado...

Because a good glass of Chardonnay will make any picture look good...

Because I work in an office and steal large paper clips...

Because I can't keep a plant alive, but can photograph one...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Modern Technology

We were driving in the car today and Aaron was adjusting the mirror when he accidentally pushed the OnStar button. Our OnStar subscription in the Malibu expired in December, and I'm too cheap and possibly lazy to renew. So anyhow, the woman says "how can I help you?" and we say "we pushed the button on accident, sorry", and she says "welllll, I'm glad you did BECAUSE YOUR ACCOUNT IS EXPIRED - AND LET ME FIX THIS FOR YOU!" to which I reply, "no thanks, not right now. goodbye", and she hangs up on me. and then Aaron proceeds to talk about the OnStar woman and how she was kinda creepy, and I thought "OMG, what if they disconnect you, but could still hear you? What if the OnStar people can ALWAYS hear you in your car?"

I'm sure they can't, because they would have heard me talking to myself and would have called someplace to have me commited by now.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

2008 Round Up

First goal of 2009: Do 2009 Round Up IN 2009. Remember this in December.

From Sundry Morning and Jolie

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Become a dog owner

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't make resolutions, I just try to do things better. And by next year, you of course mean this year, and I'm going to try to fit into 1/2 the clothes I already own, and be better at blogging.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My Aunt Jennifer had an adorable baby boy, Andrew, and my friend Nikki had a precious son, Noah.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank God.

5. What countries did you visit? None, our exotic vacations are generally limited to North Central Indiana and North West Ohio. When we feel really adventurous, we go to Cleveland. But not often.

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Patience.

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 3, the day we brought our stinker dog home. August 4, the day a tornado went through our town, and husband was home while I was out. I prayed and prayed that he was okay, and he was. November 13, the day little Andrew was born.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Being successful at my job, and staying married.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not being the wife I know I can be and am called to be. And gaining so much weight.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I nearly cut the tip of my pinky off one day while making dinner.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Watching my family open their presents from us on Christmas morning makes me think it wasn't my IPhone, rather the gifts we purchased for others.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Duke, as he went from puppy of terror to obedience school graduate in 8 short weeks. And Britney Spears, because lets be honest, she started the year as a train wreck and somehow managed to pull herself back together.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I guess I have to say my own. I had more than a few bratty moments this year.

14. Where did most of your money go? The mortgage and the car

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I tend to think I get excited pretty easily, but apparently not over important things because I can't remember any specific times.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Trace Adkins "You're Gonna Miss This"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About the same, I would say.
b) thinner or fatter? Gah. Don't ask.
c) richer or poorer? Again, probably about the same. No raise, no pay cut. New expenses evened out by credit cards paid off.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Exercise, spending time with family

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Eating, spending money on things I don't need

20. How did you spend Christmas? All over God's great creation. 7 Christmas Celebrations, from Hobart, IN to Van Wert, OH and 4 places inbetween.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? More in love with my husband.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Desperate Housewives, Real Housewives of any particular city, Intervention

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Well gosh, that's such a strong word.

24. What was the best book you read? Rockabye by Rebecca Wolfe. Love. It.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? I am very sheltered when it comes to musical discoveries. I listen to the same things over and over again. So, not much.

26. What did you want and get? An Iphone?

27. What did you want and not get? a new body

28. What was your favorite film of this year? The Dark Knight, P.S. I love you (was that 2008?), Fireproof

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? A whole lot of nothing, which was my preference. I turned 27.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Being comfortable with myself as I am.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? If it fits, wear it.

32. What kept you sane? Family, talking with mom and my aunts, shopping

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Fancy? I can't think of one.

34. What political issue stirred you the most? This blog is in no way political.

35. Who did you miss? My friends from back in the day. My family in Ohio.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Can I say Steph? I'm sure she thinks I'm a stalker, but I met her through a mutual friend in September. If that is too bloggish, then I will say Toby Keith. He wasn't that great to meet, but hey, he's famous!

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Life goes by at warp speed, and people weren't lying when they said the years go by faster as you get older. So embrace today, love today, be present today.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"This is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be" - Camp Rock

2009, here goes

So, I know it's already January 3rd and I still haven't posted "The Best of 2008", BUT, I'm going to get serious about some things this year, including but not limited to, wearing a size 12.

Crazy as my husband thinks I am, blogging is one of those things. He doesn't really get it, how I call you all "my friends that live in the computer", and why I refer to things as "blog worthy". But I suppose that's why it's MY blog and not his. Hm.

I am going to try to blog more frequently, and hopefully my posts will have meaning, or something other than bad pictures of Duke.

And I suppose to be honest, this is my sounding board for my reproductive woes. And woes they are. I mean, trying to have a baby is fun (wink, wink), but after a while, you just want it to happen, right? So, I will continue to pee on sticks and hope they turn many shades of whatever color they are supposed to be and have as many lines as they are supposed to (hi Steph!), and hope that we eventually end in ~~12 hours of ear-piercing screams and YOU'RE NEVER TOUCHING ME AGAIN to my husband, tears, and midnight diaper changes~~ baby loving bliss.

Anyhow.

Come along for the ride, if you dare. I will keep it clean, but you'll probably see more pictures of EPT tests than you care to see, and ~~hear~~ see the word "pee" more than a lady should ever ~~say~~ type.

Thank you to Corrin for teaching me how to do ~~this~~. As I will probably over use it a ton in the beginning and then completely forget it exists.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Dealing with Miscarriage and Loss

I've buried this post so that it isn't on my front page. I'm not ashamed of my miscarriage, but I also think it is very personal. If you've come here looking for it, then please read on. If you've been sent here by a friend, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

***********

No one wants to talk about it because it hurts so much. No one wants to tell their story, because it hurts to recall.

I've had a few experiences lately where I have either been asked, or have offered, to share my miscarriage story. Some women need to know that their feelings are valid, other's have questions about the physical aspect of having a "natural" miscarriage. I have typed this story more times than I am okay with, because it means another mother wanted or needed to hear it. I hate miscarriage so much. Unfortunately, it is common, and I don't think that pretending it doesn't exist will make it go away, or hurt less. I share my story because I don't want you to think you're alone.

I've written about the actual miscarriage here. It is graphic and unless you are looking for details of a "natural" m/c for your own research, it's really not worth reading.

I am no expert. I just have my own experience to talk of.

The emotions that came during and after the miscarriage were overwhelming. Initially, I hated myself and my body. I believed that I had done something to cause the m/c and I hated that my body had "failed" me.

The truth: There was something wrong with my baby. I never had an u/s, so we don't know what it was. But my body didn't "fail" me. The baby wouldn't have been compatible with life outside my womb. It isn't because I exercised, or because I missed a prenatal vitamin. It just was.

I slept with a teddy bear. I held it and cried into it and threw it. I screamed into it. I carried it around the house. It was a comfort to me. I didn't care if my husband or anyone else thought I was crazy. It helped. If you have a stuffed animal or a special pillow or sweatshirt, allow it to be a comfort to you. Anything you can hold.

I didn't answer many calls or texts. I let them go to voicemail. It's okay to not answer calls and to not respond to texts/emails. It's also okay to say "I don't want to talk about it" for as long as you need to. If you're the friend calling or texting, please continue. Don't forget about your friends and don't forget about their baby.

Dad's hurt too. Their pain may be different than mom's, but it's still there. I remember my husband's guy friends calling him to see how he was doing. I love them for it.

Things that I did every day became painful things. I remember the first time I walked into Target after the m/c. I had to hide in the bathroom, crying, because all I could think was "the last time I was here, I was pregnant". I'd hear a song on the radio and think, "the last time I heard this song, I was pregnant". Be prepared for these things, but do not be afraid of them, and do not deny them. It is part of the healing process.

You will see or talk to people who knew you were pregnant, but didn't hear about your loss. I don't have a good response here, because when this happened to me, I didn't know what to say. I still haven't returned to the dentist I was going to, because they knew I was pregnant. There will also be people who don't believe in such a thing as "the right time, the right place". In the middle of a party, they may bring it up. This is one of those times where it is perfectly acceptable to say "I don't want to talk about it" and walk away. If they haven't been there, chances are, they are curious and they just don't get it.

I remember a friend telling me that the grieving period would be different for my husband. I say the following things with the most respect possible for my husband, because I love him and he really is wonderful to me. But, he didn't get it. I became a mother the second I saw those lines on that pregnancy stick. He never had the morning sickness, the tiredness. While he knew I was pregnant, all he ever saw or felt was the pregnancy test. While it may have been enough to prove a pregnancy, it wasn't the same. When I realized this, it changed the way I expected him to respond.

Also, my husband is a "fixer". He wanted to make it better. He would ask me how he could make it better and the only response I had was "give me back my baby". He obviously couldn't do that, so he couldn't fix it. I didn't expect him to "fix" anything, but I resented him for not trying. Once I was able to identify the differences in our grief, I realized that's exactly what they were - differences. It didn't mean he wasn't grieving, it was just not like my grief. Your husband may not grieve like you at all. He may be ready to "move on" much quicker than you are. Be understanding of one another.

Finally, one of the things that helped me the most was to give my baby an identity. If you haven't read about Angel yet, her story is here. Naming Angel made her real to me. I could talk about her as Angel, not as "my baby". I still call her "my baby", but she was and is very real to me. It was truly one of the defining moments in my healing, I don't know if I can stress it enough. If you don't know if your baby was a boy or a girl, follow your intuition. It's funny actually - I just knew that Angel was a girl, but I didn't have a strong feeling about this pregnancy either way. Angel made sure I knew who she was so that I would never forget her.

One more "finally" - share your story with others. As much as it hurts to recount that day, and the weeks and months that follow, it is healing to grieve with other mothers. Not only does it bond you as friends, it brings honor to our babies.

So much love to you as you walk this path. I am available to answer questions or just listen. Feel free to email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

The Miscarriage.

****Graphic detail of miscarriage. Be advised.

10 weeks, 3 days.

I started spotting on a Sunday afternoon around 6 pm. I thought maybe I had a busted blood vessel on my cervix from having sex. I called my OB and they paged the doctor on call. She called me right away, I told her my symptoms. She asked if I had any cramping and I said no. She then said that if the bleeding got so heavy that it filled one pad per hour, to go to the emergency room. She also said if the bleeding was still there in the morning, to take the day off, stay in bed, and call her again.

Things remained pretty much the same through the night. The bleeding still wasn't bad enough to need a pad, just a panty liner.

10 weeks, 4 days. Monday.

I woke up on Monday and went to the bathroom. There was blood on the tissue, but not really on the panty liner. I text my manager and laid back down. I stayed in bed until about 2 pm. Aaron was able to get off of work early since our boss knew I was on a temporary "bed rest". He got home around 3, and it was right then that the cramping started and the blood intensified. I called my OB again and she said I could take a Tylenol and try to rest. She didn't have any available appointments that day, but would get me in on Tuesday. I took a Tylenol and laid down. Around 4:30, the pain was very intense. I decided to take a shower because that's what I always did when I had terrible menstrual cramps.

I turned the water on and allowed it to get very hot. I was bleeding so heavily at this point, that I had to leave my underwear on in the shower. After about 20 minutes, I felt like I was going to vomit, so I got out of the shower. I called the OB again. I was scared and I needed to know what to do. She said to take more Tylenol. I asked if I could use a heating pad and she said yes. She knew what was happening, and I suppose from my own denial, I didn't realize.

I took the hot water bottle in and laid in the bed. The pain was very intense for about 30 seconds, and then would lessen for about a minute. This continued on for about 10 minutes, until I felt the need to "push". I can't go on here, but you know. If you've been here, you know. I now realize that these were essentially contractions. For some reason, I felt like I should use my phone to time them. I was able to provide the doctor with that information.

After it was done, the physical pain was over. I did continue to bleed for nearly 3 weeks. I went to the OB the next day, Tuesday, and the ultrasound confirmed the miscarriage. I did not need a d&c because it had been a "complete" miscarriage.