Scared but Hopeful

The results of the test are in. They are <5, which is where they have to be before trying to get pregnant again. I know I should be thrilled about this, but I am more terrified of becoming pregnant again then I ever was before. Just thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

I am scared that I will be afraid to live, afraid to leave the house. I will walk lighter, not dare sleep on my stomach, not drink caffeine, eat tons of folic acid, AND NEVER HAVE SEX (I'm only kidding. I think).

It's like after getting in a car accident. Every time you get in the car, you think about the accident. You wonder if the person behind you will stop in time. If the car in the lane next to you will see you before switching lanes. If the road is slippery. If the car in front of you has working brakes. You're scared. At least I know I was after I was in a car accident. 7 years later and I still have anxiety attacks when driving and riding in the car.

Hopefully my fears will subside. Hopefully one day soon enough, I will not relate pregnancy with pain and loss. Hopefully, pregnancy will mean having a baby. Hopefully, the hurt will be less.


God, the one and only— I'll wait as long as he says. Everything I hope for comes from him, so why not? He's solid rock under my feet, breathing room for my soul, An impregnable castle: I'm set for life. Psalm 62:5 (The Message)

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.

I love you, Miss V.!

All Too Familiar

4 weeks.

28 days.

672 hours.

This day is all too familiar. I am home, watching t.v. Aaron is on his way home from visiting with friends. It is Sunday afternoon. And I have a stomach ache.

Today, it is anxiety. Nerves. Heartache.

4 weeks ago, it was my body, preparing for the loss of my child.

The worst week of my life started on a Sunday afternoon. It started with a little spotting and ended with an empty heart and an empty womb.

Some days are good. Some days are bad. Most days are okay.

Yesterday was good. I had lunch with a friend, I cleaned the house, I watched a couple movies. I went to bed, anticipating seeing Aaron today.

But today is bad. Today is lonely and sad and full of heartache.

But I've learned in the last four weeks, that a day can change in a heartbeat. There are many hours left, and I'll remain hopeful that things can turn around. I have to think this way, or I waste my days.

The journey is long, but there is no other way out of the woods.

Can't See the Forest For the Trees

Definition: overly concerned with detail; not understanding the whole situation

Explanation: Used when expressing that a person is focusing too much on specific problems and is missing the point

I hope I'm not missing the big picture here. I really hope.

Not Here!

I posted over here today.

Feel free to ask questions, if you want. Or send me an email. Or do nothing. I'm cool with whatever.

Finally

I activated my Premium Account on Picnik. Thanks, Picnik.

Refreshment

Ah. This weekend has been a much needed breathe of fresh air. I enjoyed dinner and a movie on Friday night with Steph, Beth, Arianne, and Erin, who have all become dear friends in the past few months.

Unfortunately, the ties that bind are not always full of fun and sunshine, but they are full of hope and I am thankful to have Beth and Arianne in my life. When I found out about the miscarriage, I knew I had women I could call on. First my mom, then Beth and Arianne. They, along with many others, have experienced this loss first hand, and know that sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all.

There are many people who have rallied around us during this time and we are so blessed by your friendship.

Yesterday, I spent the day in the pool at my aunt and uncle's house, and enjoyed friendship, pizza, and lots of little kids.

Today, Aaron and I went to lunch and the grocery store. Nothing exciting, but life is getting back to normal, whatever normal is. I'm thankful for this, even if it is hard.

I returned home from the store today to find lots of well wishes on blog posts and in emails from new friends who have come over from Beth's site. I am overwhelmed by the love and friendship. Thank you all so much!