My (In)Fertility Journey

I don’t consider myself lucky. I consider myself incredibly blessed.

My (in)fertility story doesn’t have as many pages as some of the friends I’ve met along the way, but still, they are tear stained. The paragraphs of my story contain words like “try” and “loss” and “success”. Their paragraphs contain words like “IVF” and “Beta” and “Clomid” and “Reproductive Endocrinologist {RE}” and "2WW". My story is not the same, and with that, comes incredible guilt.

But also with that, comes incredible friendship.

For years, the idea of taking a pregnancy test was that of overwhelming fear. And yet, when the test was negative, there was still disappointment. It was in me. It is in us, the desire to be a mother, even if we know the timing is wrong. But along the way, the idea of taking a pregnancy test brings excitement and anticipation. One, two, even three negative tests into the journey just meant that the birth control hadn’t left my body yet. But (months) four, five, (and) six negative tests into the journey made me think there might be something wrong. (Months) Seven, eight, nine? Is this a joke?

The doctor said “it’s not infertility unless you’ve tried a year”. So, we kept trying. And there were tears from announcements by girls younger than me, who didn’t have jobs, or even a steady boyfriend. And there were broken toenails from propping legs up on headboards, and there were nights where it just didn’t happen.

And then they were there. Two lines! “Pregnant”! The weekend of Father’s Day, 2009. Joy and more tears and feeling so excited!

And then it was gone. July 27, 2009.

And then we didn’t try anymore. I wasn’t ready, my body wasn’t ready, my heart wasn’t ready to love again.

I wouldn’t call it closure, because I will never have completion in my life due to the loss of my first child. But there was a defining moment in our lives, in our marriage, in our family, when I chose the name Angelina for our first child, and Aaron was there with me, even though not, and we had done this together. This conceiving and losing and grieving and moving forward. Together.

And now we have Tiny Dancer. Our beautiful, sweet, amazing baby. Who is so loved and so desired.

I desire this for my friends who struggle daily with infertility. My story is not the same as theirs, my trying not so long, my longing not so drawn out. I do not boast of this, believe me. I cry tears for them, with them, over BFN’s (big fat negatives) and failed IVF’s and lost dreams. Because in MY darkest hours, they comforted me. They were there for me.

Every woman who desires to be pregnant would be crushed by another’s pregnancy announcement – I know I was. And yet, these women rallied around me and offered “CONGRATULATIONS!” and “SO HAPPY FOR YOU” when I announced my pregnancy, all the while tears probably falling down their faces.

Their grief is deep, but their friendship is deeper.

I am so, so thankful for their friendship.

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I tell my story to bring awareness to the struggle that thousands of couples face to bring children into their families. We are not all "fertile Myrtle's". Next week is National Infertility Awareness Week. There is a campaign to make "infertility" a trending topic on Twitter to bring attention to the awareness. If you or someone you know or love has ever dealt with infertility, please help spread the word by using #infertility in your tweets.

For more information, follow the #infertility tag on Twitter, and visit the blogs of the women and men there. Their stories are inspiring.

Meeting. And CUTE BABIES.

I wondered during the car ride there how the introductions would go. I was hopeful I wouldn't interupt a conversation, or feel awkward to say "hi" when so many had already arrived.

But as I walked in the door, she walked past the door. Our eyes met, (I think mine probably looked like this*) and we hugged. And it was so sincere and I felt the connection I'd heard others talk about.

We sat beside each other, she in a chair and me on the couch, and we talked about our babies and Joel and loss and our husbands. We talked about names for the babies growing in our bellies and about how we both think it's important to give our children names that will fit them as babies and as teenagers and as professional adults, even as a Supreme Justice.

Oh, the pressure.

And then we talked traditions. About how the girls on my mom's side of the family have middle names that end in "ette" (Annette, Lynette, Suzette, Colette, Mynette, Janette, Yvette, Danette. Oh yes, this is true.) and I asked her what her middle name is.

SaraJOY, what is your middle name?

Ah, there's no going back now. We'll be friends forever, because she knows I'm a complete ditz.

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*photo by Beth.
**photo by CrookedEyebrow.
All photos from Beth's Surprise shower can be found here. Check 'em out!

CHD Week

You may remember my friends Kristine and Cora from this post back in December. Sweet Cora died when she was 5 days old from Congenital Heart Disease.

This week, February 7-14, is CHD Awareness week. During this week, we are going to be having a couple giveaways here. Kristine has a whole week of activities planned in Cora's name, and we are going to spread the word! This week is not just about wearing pink ribbons (but I will) and it's not just about giving away goodies (but we will!). It's about honoring sweet Cora, and the other babies, toddlers, teens, and adults who have lost their lives to CHD.

I will be back this week with more information that you can use in your own life and to help educate the people in your life.

This week is about saving lives.

Check back Tuesday, because you are going to want to win the first giveaway!

My heart hurts so bad.

I don’t usually blog during work hours, but I need you...

I’ve just learned that a dear friend from High School is having some complications in her pregnancy and will go in for an ultrasound tomorrow looking for a heartbeat. During a visit last week, the ultrasound revealed a sac and a fetus, but no heartbeat. Her hCG levels continue to climb, however.

My heart is broken. I feel sick to my stomach. She does not deserve this. Just as none of us did.

If you’re one for prayers, please remember N tonight as you go before the Great Physician. If you’re one for thinking positive thoughts and sending good energy, she would appreciate that too.

This community is one of love and comfort and support, and I know you will not let her down.

Thank you so, so much.

Mummy Deals!

My friend Clair runs a very informative website on saving money! Whether you want to save so that you can quit your job to stay home with the kids, save for a vacation, or just have more shoes, Clair's shopping tips can help!

She doesn't expect you to take hours a week clipping coupons, so she links to the best deals around! I have saved a considerable amount of money this year on body products, make-up, and items for around the house. By combining coupons and store deals, I managed to pick up 4 bottles of name brand body soap for $.27 each in 2 shopping trips taking a total of 10 minutes! That's a HUGE deal!

Clair is starting a video series called "How to slash your grocery bill" and I encourgage you to check out her site. The best way to benefit from her program is to sign up for her email update. (She sends out one email a day highlighting all of the deals on her blog, and she doesn't send spam.) At the end of the series, she will be having giveaways that you DO NOT want to miss!

So, what are you waiting for? Go to Clair's site, Mummy Deals, and sign up for her email update. Then send her an email and tell her I sent you! You'll be glad you did!

SaraJoy

I want you to meet Sara. She lost her little boy, Joel, in June 2009. She has been an incredible encouragement to me these past few weeks.

And I want you to read her post titled Translation. Because I couldn't have said it better myself. Her words are so accurate. So painfully beautiful. So....perfect.

Please send her support and love.

Unlikely Friendship

Jessica and I's friendship probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people. I dated her husband. No, not like that.

Back in 2004, I was introduced to a guy named Ryan. We began dating, long-distance, and broke up just a few short weeks later. It just wasn't meant to be.

Shortly after, Ryan began dating Jes. She came to work at the company we both work for, and we began a friendship. Aaron came to work for our company soon after, and then we were married and the four of us were friends and we fast forward a bit to the summer of 2008.

Just weeks before her wedding to Ryan, Jessica learned she has suffered a miscarriage. She hadn't known that she was pregnant, but this news was devastating to her. She'd been told years ago that she may not be able to have children. To know that she had conceived, and then miscarried, was a heartbreaking loss.

When I announced my pregnancy, Jes was one of the first to tell me how excited she was for me, and how she would pray that things would go well for us. After announcing the miscarriage, Jes would send text messages out of the blue to say "hi" and see how I was doing.

And then she announced her pregnancy. And I couldn't have been happier for her! Truly, I have nothing but love and best wishes for her. Just because I'm not pregnant doesn't mean other women shouldn't be! (She's currently almost 8 weeks along!)

Anyhow, last week Jessica asked me if I would like her to come over and plant a flower in memory of the baby. I am not an outdoorsy girl, and have a hard time keeping plants alive (which she is well aware of), but Jes is a pro. She stopped by with a mum, one of my favorite plants because it mean's Fall, and got to work.


Then she pulled three stones out of her purse. Stones from her house, that she had painted for me.


She painted the "remembrance" and "love" stones to be placed by the flower.

She painted the "trust" stone for me to hold onto. To trust the Lord, to trust myself, to trust that one day, it will all make sense. It sits in a special place in our house, where I see it many times a day. It reminds me not only of trust, but of friendship.

A friendship that was unlikely, and yet, perfect.