Missed Appointments

My mom always said "everything happens for a reason". After she had her first miscarriage in 1991, she believed it happened for a reason. Shortly after, she became pregnant with my sister Payton Ruth. We would have loved that baby that she lost, but that Payton Ruth, she is my girl. My best girlfriend. My baby sister.

Everything happens for a reason.

The week before BlogHer, I finally had the pleasure of meeting Clair, who I had been communicating with online since January. We met for dinner, and she hugged me when she walked in the door. People, this is HUGE. She admits to not being a "hugger" but said that I looked "huggable".

We talked like friends who had known each other for years. During dinner, Clair invited me to go with her to BlogHer a day early, to stay in the squishy hotel beds, and go to dinner as part of the What Women Want Ford Event.

I told her I wasn't sure if I would be able to change my doctor's appointment that was scheduled for Thursday morning, and I didn't know if I could arrange the dog to be at the pet hotel a day early. Things worked out. Duke went to the pet hotel on Wednesday and my OB appointment was changed to the following week. The week after BlogHer.

The week of the miscarriage.

I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I would have kept my appointment on Thursday, and gone to the doctor, only to find that there was no heartbeat. My husband was away visiting family and wouldn't have been with me at the doctor that day, and I'm sure I wouldn't have attended BlogHer. I wouldn't have met amazing new people like Amanda and Cassie and Casey and Jenny. I wouldn't have spent time with already amazing friends like Corrin, Toni, and Jen. BlogHer really was a great time. A great time that I might have missed if I'd gone to the appointment on Thursday and found out something was wrong.

I didn't go to the appointment.

Everything happens for a reason.

Loss for words

I really don't know what to say.

To the woman checking me out at the mall, who asked me if I had a baby because I was purchasing something for a baby. Because clearly, the only person who would EVER buy anything for a baby would be their parents.

To the friends on Facebook, who don't read my blog (or pay any attention to what people comment on my status), and who ask how the pregnancy is going.

To the pregnant women I know. The women I was supposed to experience this journey with.

Do I have a baby? No. Do I have a child? Not really, I guess. But am I a mother? Yeah.

I don't know how to answer the questions, I don't know how to congratulate other women on announcing their pregnancy. I just don't know what to say.

One Year

When we visited our friends Travis and Paula one year ago this past weekend, we did not know we would be coming home with a puppy. We had been looking in all the local shelters, but this cute little puppy just fell into our laps. Two hours into the drive, we decided on the name Duke.

One year later, he's only destroyed one high heel, one pair of flip flops, one pair of capris, and one door frame. Compared to other stories I've heard, he's doing alright!

Thank you and goodnight.

In the past week, I have experienced raw emotions. I have felt loss. I have felt heartache. I have felt emptiness.

I have also felt love. From you. From my family. From my husband. I have been hugged and held. I have been reminded of Grace.

This journey is truly only beginning for us, and while it is my true desire to respond to every one of you, please know that I (we) appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and well wishes.

I know I've said it before, but please know that during the saddest moments, when I cannot stop the tears, I read your words and feel your friendship. And it carries me.

A Different Pain

After a miscarriage, you have to get blood tests done to check your hCG levels, which can become as high as 25,700 by the 9th week of pregnancy (I miscarried during my 10th week). The goal is to have the level at <5.0 before trying to get pregnant again. That's a lot of hCG loss. So my hormones are still crazy, because now they're coming down, instead of 5 weeks ago, when they were crazy because they were increasing.

I went in for my first blood drawl today. It was painful beyond imagination, and I didn't even feel the needle. The office was full of pregnant women, at various stages of pregnancy. Some glowing with their little baby bumps, some uncomfortable with their full grown bellies, counting the hours until their babies join them.

I sat on the opposite side of the room. The last time I was there, I knew I had lost my baby, but was hopeful no less. I was with Aaron. We held hands.

Today, I went by myself. I sat in the parking lot for 10 minutes and cried. The receptionist asked me if I was okay. I lied and said yes because I didn't want to have the conversation I've been avoiding all week.

No, I'm not okay. Not at all. Not today.

Sweet Melodies

I was on my way to work this morning, listening to Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin on my IPod.

It is the same song that played over and over on my way to meet Aaron (at work) before our doctor's appointment on Tuesday.

I was on my way to the same place. Listening to the same song. My emotions were the same, but different. On Tuesday, I was calling out, asking for strength.

Today, I praised. Thankful for the strength to come this far.

Each hour, each minute - a little easier than the last.

Missing

It's nothing compared to the void in my heart.