Make a Difference

Well, here we are. It's been an astonishing 9 days since my last update, and that was just pictures, so it doesn't count. I would love to tell you that I haven't been able to write because I've been traveling the world, visiting orphanages and feeding children, or volunteering my time with the Peace Corp, making the world a better place. But really? I've been stuck in a rut, throwing myself a pity party. FOR NO APPARENT REASON.

I have cried a ton this week. Mostly about real-life things, the stress that comes with work and marriage and life in general. But also, I've cried over little things like OnStar commercials, and the way my dog tilts his head to the side when I leave for work. You know the look.

I bought stock in pregnancy tests a box of pregnancy tests, just to be sure, and they were all negative. My hormonal calculator shows that I should either be pregnant or, you know, the alternative. And so far, neither of those situations have appeared. Maybe I have a wicked case of PMS, or just the winter blahs, but whatever they are, I am getting tired of them. Last night I was so emotionally exhausted, I was sure I would fall right to sleep. And I did, until 1:00 am, and then I was wide awake until 3:00. Laying in bed, looking at the ceiling, asking myself why I'm not doing something with my life that matters.

I want to do something that matters. When did this get away from me? I have always felt like I wanted to make the world a better place, and until recently I have felt like I was doing something to help my fellow man. But now, I feel like I just...exist. I go to work, I do my job, answer the phone, get the lunch, make the copies, send the faxes, process the insurance, call the customer, get back in the car, drive home, make dinner, do laundry, take the dog out, take a bath, take the dog out again, try to find time to spend with my husband, finally lay down to go to sleep, and think "where did this day just go?". Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.

But then I think, I suppose that's okay for a certain time in your life, right? To just go about your business and not worry about finding time to volunteer here or coordinate this clothing drive. I need time to refresh, to remind myself WHY helping other people feels so good.

For this period, maybe the person who's life I'm supposed to be making a difference in-is my own.