Who has the chocolate?

I am overly emotional at other's pregnancy annoucements. I was when I was trying to get pregnant, but now that I'm not anymore, those annoucements are even harder to read.

I don't have anything against pregnant woman, and I genuinely wish wonderful, uncomplicated pregnancies for them all. I have, and always will, think that pregnancy is a true miracle, and a pregnant body is amazing and beautiful.

I'm trying to be happy for the women in my life who are pregnant, because I want them to be happy for me too. It's just hard. And it makes me wonder if hearing that I was pregnant was hard for other women. I'm sure it was, and I'm sorry if I flaunted it or rubbed it in.

The thing is, I KNOW this is bad. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW this is selfish.

But it's still so hard. So, so hard.

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I had my appointment today, and am thankful for all your prayers. The doctor said everything looked okay, but we will know for sure when the test results come back.

This post is overly emotional. I can only apologize. And go eat chocolate.

Why the Mirror? Seriously.

No nerves. This is an odd feeling for me, to have to go to the doctor and have tests done and things frozen and be partially naked in a room with a mirror (WTH?), and not be nervous.

But after the year I’ve had, it’s the new normal for me.

Back in May, I had a procedure done that involved partial nakedness and scraping and other things that scared me. And I thought I might have cervical cancer.

Anyhow.

I was nervous on my way to that appointment. I cried and I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. But it ended up being okay.

And then I had to drive back to that office again in July, and had an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. The drive there was filled with tears, and shaking, and feeling like I was going to vomit. And when I left that office knowing that I had lost my baby, I couldn’t imagine ever being that scared again. I couldn’t think that driving there would ever feel quite as terrible as that day.

But that day was also filled with prayer. And it changed the course of the day. I prayed, WE PRAYED, and it was okay. It wasn’t good, but it was okay.

And so tomorrow I will have another procedure done. I am not scared, because I will pray. I’m sure I will have butterflies, and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I know that no matter the outcome, it will be okay. It might not be good, but it will be okay.

(I’m not doctor, but my mom’s a nurse. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this, but my best attempt at the medical explanation of this is over at my Conceive blog.)

Thoughts For A Friday Afternoon.

Being a blogger for Conceive Magazine is kinda hard when my focus has been on loss instead of gain. My mindset is changing though, and this side of conception that I'm on gets a little brighter each day.

During this time, the community over at Conceive Online has been encouraging and uplifting and well, pregnant!

(Oh, and I wrote over there today.)

Thanks for all your encouraging and hopeful comments on my last post. I really hope it's nothing too. I have an appointment next Thursday and am keeping my fingers crossed.

Because, as you'll see over here, we're ready.

Ugh.

The phone rang at the most inappropriate time.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Natalie? This is your doctor's office. The doctor has the result's of your test back, and...we need you to come in again".

"Uh, okay. What's wrong?"

"Well, it appears as though the retest from the procedure you had done in May was 'abnormal'."

Abnormal is not a good word, not when your uterus is involved.

I'll get back to you soon. This sucks. Cause I just wanna have a baby, and my uterus is not cooperating!

Anniversary! (& Winners!)

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary! Thank you for all the sweet Twitter and Facebook messages!

We exchanged our vows,



While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.



We hugged a tree,



And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!

Also, at one point on our honeymoon, we ate at Wendy's. And this picture captures Aaron's personality and makes me smile.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!

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There were a couple Anonymous commenters who were chosen to receive the Seeds of Hope from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I have listed the comment time here, and if it was your comment, and you would like the Seeds, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

If you do not want to identify yourself, I completely understand. You will have until Monday, October 26 at 9 am to email me your information. If there are unclaimed packets of Seeds of Hope, I will choose new names. Also, if your name is listed below and you did not receive an email, it was because I did not have your address. Please email me!

Seeds of Hope

Michele

Living In A Girls World

Julia

JayBee

RHCP - 10/15 - 9:03 am

SaraJoy

The Root of All Evel

Anon (Amy T) - 10/15 - 2:37 pm

Em

Rachel - 10/18 - 4:02 am

The winner of the $25 gift certificate to the Earth Mama Angel Baby site is Mrs. Soup! Hopefully you find something wonderful for yourself or Baby Soup!

Thank you to Earth Mama Angel Baby for providing the Seeds of Hope and gift certificate!

Wave of Light

This day, made easier by the love and support of many. Thank you for coming here and sharing your stories. To those of you who shared by email or Facebook, thank you.

I read your comments, prayed, and cried with you over your loses. And tonight, at 7pm, people around the world lit candles in honor of all the babies lost.

I lit a candle for every baby honored here today, and I remembered.

I wish you could have felt the warmth coming from those candles.

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I have been fortunate enough to to get to know some of the amazing Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby.. I met Sheri, one of the Mama's, at BlogHer (back in July) while I was enjoying the wonder of pregnancy. I talked with her about the products offered for pregnant mothers and their babies. I inquired about a display on a table all it's own, and she identified the products as the Baby Loss Comfort line, for women suffering baby loss. I commented how wonderful it was that they carried such products, and should I have a friend who experiences loss, I would keep them in mind to send a care package.

Shortly after the miscarriage, I was fortunate to receive those very products I had looked at with a saddened heart. Sheri spent the next weeks checking in on me, and offering support through words and resources.

I have since had the opportunity to communicate with more of the team, and the wonderful Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby know that my heart is to reach out to women who are dealing with baby loss.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, they have generously donated ten (10) packets of Seeds of Hope for those of you who come here to support me, and to find support.

Seeds of Hope contain certified organic and organically grown seeds which you can plant in honor of your baby.

This giveaway is not difficult. Just leave a comment below. If you left a comment on this post, you are also eligible. Ten (10) winners will be randomly chosen and your Seeds of Hope will be mailed to you. There really are no strings attached. My hope is that you will be encouraged by the Seeds of Hope, and by the products Earth Mama Angel Baby offers.

In addition, one reader will receive a $25 gift card to be used on any of the products on their site. All comments on this post and this post will be eligible.

Thank you for being here. Your support these past weeks have carried me.

*I blog with integrity. Earth Mama Angel Baby sent me products following my miscarriage, and I am thankful to pass some of their products on to you. I was not monetarily compensated for this post. All winners will be contacted by email (if provided) or will be displayed on this blog. Giveaway ends and winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 20, after 9pm.

The Tears Just Keep Coming

Tomorrow is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. As I sit tonight and try to find the words to express what I'm feeling, I come up short. I miss my baby. It's just not fair. To never feel her move, to never hear his heartbeat.

But on the day I should be entering my 22nd week of Pregnancy, I will stand united with the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost their babies. The statistics are staggering; the heartache breath taking. Our babies are gone and we will never be the same.


I will forever cherish the weeks I spent with our baby growing inside of me. I will forever remember the day we lost that miracle. My heart will never be the same, my family never complete. But there is hope and I know this. The joy comes in the morning!

I know some of you come here and don't comment and that's okay. But today, if you feel safe (and I truly hope you do), please leave a comment in honor of your baby. Your babies. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I cannot express the difference you all have made in my life, and I would be honored to pray for you and for your lost children. I will be on my knees for you tomorrow and in the coming days and weeks. You have my word.

My name is Natalie Cline and I lost my first child to miscarriage at 10w4d on Monday, July 27, 2009.

10/09/2009

Tomorrow, I have been "not pregnant" for the same amount of time that I was pregnant.

10 weeks, 4 days.

The first 10w4d went very quickly. They were days filled with excitement and anticipation and annoucements!

The last 10w4d have crawled by, taking their sweet time. They are days filled with questions and wonder and fear. But they are also days filled with hope and belief.

I feel like I've reached a milestone, and the future excites me.

Thank you for being here.

Awareness Ribbons

To me, October has always meant Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I wore pink ribbons on my clothes, tied them around my purse, and changed the profile picture on my Facebook account to one with a pink ribbon. I taped posters of pink ribbons on my dorm room. I had a pink ribbon magnet on the back of my car. I encouraged all of the women in my life to get "squished" and all the men in my life to remind the women in their lives.

I remember Mrs. Bright and Aunt Pat, who fought a hard fight. I honor a customer named Carole, and now Lori, a mother from my home town, who I just KNOW is going to beat the cancer! I praised God for sparing the other women in my life who have been so blessed to have "good" exams and mammograms. Remembering Breast Cancer Awareness during October (and all year) has always been (and will continue to be) very important in my life.

But did you know that October is also Baby Loss Awareness Month? I wasn't going to bring it up, but when I read Sara's post today, I know I had to recognize it. Not just for me, but for you. And for you. And also for you.

Whether you lost your baby, or your grandbaby. Your neice, nephew, or sibling. I'm sorry I didn't recognize. I'm sorry I hoped it wasn't real.

But it is. It is very real and very painful and yet, it brings healing.

I haven't decided what I will do on October 15th to honor my baby. In fact, I haven't quite figured out what any of this means.

Unlike Breast Cancer Awareness, which has always been "such a great cause", this awareness is very real to me. There are no extra ribbons on my purse, no magnets on my car.

I wear this ribbon on my heart.