I just don't know.

you keep coming here, probably to check to see how we're doing. i don't check my stats really ever, but i was curious. and it lifted my spirit, for this moment in time.

for an update? a story? reassurance? i don't know why i come here sometimes.

the update? we'll be okay.

the story? my father-in-law passed away of natural causes. his body was tired and his soul was weary. but we believe that his body has been made new and his soul is dancing before Jesus. there will always be a void in my husband's life, in our lives, because he is gone. BUT WE BELIEVE. we believe that the Bible is the word of God, and that God is who He says He is, and when we add 1 + 1, we get eternity. it's just that simple.

reassurance? we'll be okay. we have to. WE HAVE TO.

because we have a daughter joining our family sometime in the next 10-ish weeks and we just have to be okay. she will help us be okay.

i believe that God is who He says He is. i believe that he heals our broken hearts and makes it possible for us to press on each day, putting one foot in front of the other. i believe that He gives strength to the weary, and i'm praying each moment of each day that He is giving strength to my husband.

It's been a long, hard week.

My uncle is gone.

More than just my uncle. My dad's best friend. My grandparents baby. My aunt's husband. A man who started a tradition in our town that has turned into the biggest event in the history of our 200 person community. A "reunion" for every class, from every school, for every person. When a village of 186 people turns into a party for 1200. A big party, where we play wiffleball and talk about the past year, and forget our troubles for two days.

He started it. 20 years ago. As a 21 year old man, boy. A vision, a dream, that became a reality.

We watched a slideshow of the past 41 years today. There were pictures of him as a baby, a teen, at his wedding. But the pictures that I love, that show me who he was and what made him happy? They were the pictures from this one particular weekend. He smiled. A real smile.

This one particular weekend? It's in August.

This year, our family, our community, will mourn the loss of my uncle during this festival. At all times, we will miss him, we will grieve, but this weekend, this one particular weekend, will be hard. Very hard.

And yet. I feel that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that my family would need joy in August. He knew we would have loved joy in February, but we'll need joy in August. Oh yes, we will need joy.

And we will have it.

Even though it will be missing an uncle, a friend, a brother, a husband, a son. We will have joy.

She will be our joy.

(She already is.)

Mother's Day.

The funny thing about saying that I didn't want to feel like I had to blog is that now I really want to. But I still don't feel like I have a lot to say.

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday (you knew that already, I'm pretty sure). It is my first Mother's Day, as I was not yet pregnant last year (but it was right around the corner!). It will be spent with my husband, and our daughter, and even though it is not the celebration I envisioned last July, it is perfect and it is perfectly what I need.

But here's the thing - I know I am so lucky, so blessed. I don't take for granted one single kick, or hip pain, or sleepless night, or leg cramp. Because I yearned for this, and now I have it, and soon, SOON, I will have my baby and oh man, I am scared to death, but I am so blessed. And I could say something about how "I hope you have a great day!" on Mother's Day, but I'm not going to pretend that it will be that way.

And I'm so sorry.

I hate the loss that so many mother's know. I don't understand a lot of it, and I would never pretend to. But that doesn't make me not hate it. I hate that I have so many wonderful, amazing friends whose babies are not with them this year. I HATE IT.

This post is not colorful or sweet and I can't think of a transition to get there. Please just know that this year, I will be thinking of all of us, the mother's without our babies. Mothers who've never known their babies, and mothers who said goodbye to their babies entirely too soon. It's not fair and I hate it, but I love you. And I will be thinking of you. And in honor of you, I will love my own mother, and never, ever take for granted the life growing inside me.

**I am so incredibly fortunate to have a mother who loves me and spoils me rotten, even at 28-years-old. She is caring and funny and kind, and she knows this loss too. I hope she has the most amazing Mother's Day, even though I can't be with her. I love you, momma.