2010 In Review

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

Had an IV. Had a baby. Nursed. Nursed over a car seat in a moving car while McKinley stayed strapped in her seat. Nursed in a restaurant. Nursed in Target. Nursed in Meijer. Nursed in the mall. Babywore (?) Wore my baby. In my house. In the mall. All of the above mentioned stores. So many baby/McKinley/parenting related things I can’t even list. I can’t think of anything else. At least, that isn’t related to being a new mother.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?


I didn’t make any, so YES! Good for me!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?


Meet my daughter, McKinley:

My nephew, Asher:

My SIL had a baby girl, Abigail. And about 10 of my closest twitter buddies.

4. Did anyone close to you die?


Dear God, I wish this question didn’t exist. And I wish I could skip it. But 2010 wouldn’t have been the best and worst year of my life without questions #3 and #4.

My Uncle Jamey died on May 11th.

My father-in-law Rich died on May 24th.

To say that May, 2010 was the worst month of my life is an understatement.

I wasn’t able to fully grieve either of these losses until very recently, due to being 7 months pregnant at the time. I knew I needed to stay well for myself and for McKinley.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.


6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Patience, love towards others, financial security.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Tuesday, May 11

Monday, May 24

Friday, August 13, McKinley's Birthday!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?


Having a baby, yo.

9. What was your biggest failure?

At the time, I felt like a failure for not being everything for Aaron after his dad’s passing. I now look back and realize that in that moment, I was everything I could be. I HAD to take care of myself for the sake of “the baby”. There were times that I could have, should have been more patient and understanding of his grief, and I wish I would have been. But I can’t change it.

And every year going forward, my biggest failure will be that I lived such a selfish life (read: massive debts) prior to becoming a mother, that I will have to allow someone else to care for McKinley while I work a full-time job. Ugh. My heart hurts.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Only self-inflicted, you know, recovery from a c-section.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Diapers, wipes, butt paste.

12. Where did most of your money go?

Diapers, wipes, butt paste. Actually, I’m sure it was to eating out. Which will change this year. Cause we have to pay for day care and stuff.

And repayment on Student Loans.

And my car payment. Come on, December 2011. Mama wants a mini-van.

13. What did you get really excited about?

Having a BABY!

Being a MOM!

CHRISTMAS!

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I don’t know.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:


– happier or sadder? Both. Which is incredible and heartbreaking at the exact same time.

– thinner or fatter? Er, fatter.

– richer or poorer? :womp, womp: poorer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?


Saved money. Ugh. Saved some freakin’ money.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?


Spent money. I feel like this is getting boring and repetitive. How about, complained? Cried? I just feel like some of those complaints and tears were totally warranted. I’m such a Debby Downer.

18. How did you spend Christmas?

With our families, smiling through the first Christmas without our loved ones, and sharing the joy that everyone felt having McKinley present.

19. What was your favorite TV program?

How I Met Your Mother, Cupcake Wars, Desperate Housewives, The Biggest Loser

20. What were your favorite books of the year?

I mostly read books preparing me for motherhood, the titles of which I couldn’t tell you. And also “On The Night You Were Born”, which brings me to big, blubbering messy tears. Every time.

21. What was your favorite music from this year?


I am not enough of a seasoned musical lover to answer this correctly. I’d probably put down a song that actually came out in 2008.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?

Again, I am not a movie watcher. My favorite movies that I watched in 2010 were probably from 2009. Or earlier.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My birthday was on a Monday. I worked. Aaron and McKinley took me to Boston’s Pizza for lunch. I turned 29.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Heh. I love my daughter. She is the best gift I have ever received. Not having to work so that I could spend every day with her would have made my year immeasurably more satisfying.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Maternity clothes. Followed by yoga pants.

26. What kept you sane?

I’m not. :wink:

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.


EVERY. BREATH. COUNTS. You never, EVER know when you will say “bye” to someone for the very last time. And also that being a mother is the single greatest thing/feeling/emotion/job in the entire world.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Jamey.

Not an "old man" uncle like you envision losing when you're 28 years old.

No, actually a young man.

42 years young today.

Miss & love you so much. xoxo.

{dad & uncle jim)

Death. And New Life.

Death and grief and sadness is not the direction I intended for this blog to go this spring/summer. But? Life. It happens.

As I was laying in bed last Friday night/Saturday morning, wide awake, playing on Twitter and Facebook, I learned that a young man I went to high school with had just passed away. "Just" as in, 1 hour before I woke up. "Just" as in, 28-years-old, with a wife and three children and did I say 28-years-old? Massive seizure, bleeding on the brain, nothing they could do. 28-years-old.

I stared blankly at my phone, trying to understand something that I probably never will. I wasn't "best friends" with Rusty. We didn't "hang out". But I graduated with 76 people. We knew each other. We knew about each other's families and siblings and plans after high school. When I was in the sixth grade, Rusty is the one who told me (in the middle of Mr. Burnett's 5th period science class) that Brandon didn't want to be my boyfriend anymore (I didn't hold that against him, I didn't want to be Brandon's girlfriend anymore anyhow). (I recall a lot of details of this breakup because I'm a detail oriented person. Not because it was the end of the world for the 12-year-old me. Ahem.)


So I closed out the Facebook application, and opened Twitter. Pregnancy insomnia, infants, and sick babies of all ages had many of my friends awake at 4am. It was comical that so many of us were online at the same time, chatting away, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN, Megan's water breaks. And she's off to have a baby.

And I just laid there and cried. Rusty died. Megan had a baby. Life. A big circle. It happens.

I don't get it. But, it is. It just, is.

I'm not going to get all Elton John/Lion King on you, but the Circle of Life? Yeah.

"Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars
And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round"

Knowing that it's all "part of life" doesn't make death easier. The grief is still overwhelming, from my uncle to my FIL to this man I spent so many hours a day/week/year with. My grief for him is real, while not as intense as that of my family members. But I also grieve for his young wife and 3 young children.

No one thinks that their "mid-life" is 14 or 21 or 29. And yet, in the past 2 months, I've seen it. I don't know if I've hit my "mid-life", passed my "mid-life", or am years away from my "mid-life". But what I DO know is that I don't want to waste a single day. Because not one is granted, not one is promised.

Are you living like you're dying? I think we should do it together. I think it will set us free.

"So if your life flashed before you, What would you wish you would've done?
Yeah, we gotta start
Looking at the hands of the time we've been given
If this is all we got and we gotta start thinking
If every second counts on a clock that's ticking
Gotta live like we're dying" ~ Kris Allen, Live Like We're Dying

A failure of all sorts.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

My shirt is soaking wet.

My makeup is streaked and my cheeks are flushed.

I cannot stop the tears that flow from a broken heart. A heart that loves more than I know what to do with, but is still so selfish and desires so much.

I cannot be 8 months pregnant and be the supportive wife of a man who just lost his father. The weight is too heavy and I am crumbling under the pressure.

I was mean and rude and demanding and accusatory and everything that I'd hoped I'd never be, especially when he needs me most.

But I failed him, as I always will, because I cannot do it on my own.

I need help. This is too hard.

***************

"Lord, please! I cannot keep doing this! I am falling apart."

I cry out to him as I drive, on my way home from the grocery store, where I've planned for the week and suffered the anxiety already of not being enough.

"Why do you only come to me when you are hurting? Why only when you need me?"

Drip.

"If you only spoke to Aaron when you needed him, how do you think your relationship would be?"

Drip.

"Talk to me all the time. I will help you."

"I can't stay focused. My mind wanders, I feel like I have too much to do."

"Let me help you."

Drip.

"Just, let me help you."

***************

Here I am. Asking for help. Only the help that you can give. I cannot do this on my own. I do not want to keep trying. I surrender.

My husband's heart.

I have so much I want to say, but the words are hard to come by. There are tears, and a few words. More tears, and a few more words.

My husband is hurting and I can’t make it go away. This is very difficult for me to accept, because I am a “fixer”. I like to make things better. I can’t make this better.

If asked of 50 people what Aaron’s best trait is, 48 of them would say he has a really big heart. The other 2 would say he is a bad mama-jama.

He loves to buy for people, or give to people from what we already have. If you needed a shirt, he would give you the one off his back, plus $20 to go buy matching sandals at TJMaxx. If you needed money for lunch, he would give you $20 for your lunch, plus the gift card in his wallet for Subway because “he doesn’t really like it anyhow”.

I LOVE my husband’s “big heart”.

The only problem?

His really big heart is capable of really big hurt.

Really. Big.

And right now, I could offer him all the TJMaxx gift cards in the world, or golf passes to the course where he would undoubtedly buy the person he was with a hot dog at “the turn” (I’m not a golfer. I don’t get this.), but it doesn’t matter. There isn’t anything I can give him or buy him or make for him that will make this any better. Or any less bad. Or anything other than the suck of the suckiest suck of the world.

But I have my love and I give it to him. I have my hands, so I make him sandwiches for his lunch. I have my voice, so I speak prayers on his behalf. (Not enough though. I'm working on this. Actually, God is working on me to work on this.)

I do not have much, but I am trying to give him all that I have. Because if the situation were reversed, I would own the TJMaxx chain, and we would eat at Olive Garden every day, even though he doesn’t really like it, and he would bring me Starbucks Iced Tea in bed and at work and in the middle of the night. Because he has a really, really big heart.

A heart that I love. With a really, really big love.

I wish it was enough. It's not right now. But one day, it will be. I just have to believe it. And wait. Just wait.

"... but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)

I will not let the fear win.

I fear him lurking around the corner. Each ring of the telephone, a quick prayer that it isn’t bad news. I cannot handle more phone calls making known a death. The end. No more.

I will not be gripped by fear. I will not allow the unknown to decay my current state. Fear to fly, fear to drive, fear to walk across the street, fear to leave my husband, my loved ones, for when will I see them again? Will I see them again? I will not have a fear to live.

I will choose to hope. And I will believe. I am safe and I am protected and those I love are cared for. I will trust.

For now, I will not let him win. I will not let the fear, intimidation of death ruin my days. For I know that my days are numbered and so I will count each day, and make each day count.

I just don't know.

you keep coming here, probably to check to see how we're doing. i don't check my stats really ever, but i was curious. and it lifted my spirit, for this moment in time.

for an update? a story? reassurance? i don't know why i come here sometimes.

the update? we'll be okay.

the story? my father-in-law passed away of natural causes. his body was tired and his soul was weary. but we believe that his body has been made new and his soul is dancing before Jesus. there will always be a void in my husband's life, in our lives, because he is gone. BUT WE BELIEVE. we believe that the Bible is the word of God, and that God is who He says He is, and when we add 1 + 1, we get eternity. it's just that simple.

reassurance? we'll be okay. we have to. WE HAVE TO.

because we have a daughter joining our family sometime in the next 10-ish weeks and we just have to be okay. she will help us be okay.

i believe that God is who He says He is. i believe that he heals our broken hearts and makes it possible for us to press on each day, putting one foot in front of the other. i believe that He gives strength to the weary, and i'm praying each moment of each day that He is giving strength to my husband.

It's been a long, hard week.

My uncle is gone.

More than just my uncle. My dad's best friend. My grandparents baby. My aunt's husband. A man who started a tradition in our town that has turned into the biggest event in the history of our 200 person community. A "reunion" for every class, from every school, for every person. When a village of 186 people turns into a party for 1200. A big party, where we play wiffleball and talk about the past year, and forget our troubles for two days.

He started it. 20 years ago. As a 21 year old man, boy. A vision, a dream, that became a reality.

We watched a slideshow of the past 41 years today. There were pictures of him as a baby, a teen, at his wedding. But the pictures that I love, that show me who he was and what made him happy? They were the pictures from this one particular weekend. He smiled. A real smile.

This one particular weekend? It's in August.

This year, our family, our community, will mourn the loss of my uncle during this festival. At all times, we will miss him, we will grieve, but this weekend, this one particular weekend, will be hard. Very hard.

And yet. I feel that God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that my family would need joy in August. He knew we would have loved joy in February, but we'll need joy in August. Oh yes, we will need joy.

And we will have it.

Even though it will be missing an uncle, a friend, a brother, a husband, a son. We will have joy.

She will be our joy.

(She already is.)