Father's Day

Bittersweet doesn't exactly describe this Father's Day.

Aaron is going to be already such an amazing Father. (Remember this shopping trip?)

But he celebrates his first Father's Day without his Father. It's just so...

...I guess bittersweet is the only word I can think of.

Oh, my sweet Aaron. I love you so much. Tiny Dancer loves you so much. We are so proud of you for the man that you are and the Daddy that you're becoming.

I just don't know.

you keep coming here, probably to check to see how we're doing. i don't check my stats really ever, but i was curious. and it lifted my spirit, for this moment in time.

for an update? a story? reassurance? i don't know why i come here sometimes.

the update? we'll be okay.

the story? my father-in-law passed away of natural causes. his body was tired and his soul was weary. but we believe that his body has been made new and his soul is dancing before Jesus. there will always be a void in my husband's life, in our lives, because he is gone. BUT WE BELIEVE. we believe that the Bible is the word of God, and that God is who He says He is, and when we add 1 + 1, we get eternity. it's just that simple.

reassurance? we'll be okay. we have to. WE HAVE TO.

because we have a daughter joining our family sometime in the next 10-ish weeks and we just have to be okay. she will help us be okay.

i believe that God is who He says He is. i believe that he heals our broken hearts and makes it possible for us to press on each day, putting one foot in front of the other. i believe that He gives strength to the weary, and i'm praying each moment of each day that He is giving strength to my husband.

He Loves Her.

Friday Afternoon -

We walked into the store, he looked at me and said "We are NOT buying her all pink stuff, 'k?"

You wanna see what he picked?

Saturday night -

I walked in the door and he said "I didn't like our bedspread anymore. I bought a new one."

"What are you talking about?? We looked for that thing for 2 months! It's brand new!"

"I didn't like it anymore. I bought a new one. Go look."

(This is the bedspread we just bought. That was his trickery to get me to look at our bed. Sneaky.)

2 of Daddy's shopping trips, plus 3 pairs of shoes.


*I DIE*

Anniversary! (& Winners!)

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary! Thank you for all the sweet Twitter and Facebook messages!

We exchanged our vows,



While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.



We hugged a tree,



And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!

Also, at one point on our honeymoon, we ate at Wendy's. And this picture captures Aaron's personality and makes me smile.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!

***************************

There were a couple Anonymous commenters who were chosen to receive the Seeds of Hope from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I have listed the comment time here, and if it was your comment, and you would like the Seeds, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

If you do not want to identify yourself, I completely understand. You will have until Monday, October 26 at 9 am to email me your information. If there are unclaimed packets of Seeds of Hope, I will choose new names. Also, if your name is listed below and you did not receive an email, it was because I did not have your address. Please email me!

Seeds of Hope

Michele

Living In A Girls World

Julia

JayBee

RHCP - 10/15 - 9:03 am

SaraJoy

The Root of All Evel

Anon (Amy T) - 10/15 - 2:37 pm

Em

Rachel - 10/18 - 4:02 am

The winner of the $25 gift certificate to the Earth Mama Angel Baby site is Mrs. Soup! Hopefully you find something wonderful for yourself or Baby Soup!

Thank you to Earth Mama Angel Baby for providing the Seeds of Hope and gift certificate!

And then they called again.

I figured I should follow up on this post, and let you all know that the doctor's office called and I get to keep my uterus. It's really quite exciting, and while I have forever been a supporter of Breast Cancer Awareness, I am now adding Cervical Cancer Awareness to the list, cause that was some scary crap.

And even though he tried to hide it, I could tell my husband was really worried about me. Even though I didn't want him to worry, it meant so much to me. I know the he cares, but it was a special concern that he usually doesn't show.

I'm so glad to be okay, and I'm so glad for the friends and family who are my support system.

I will leave you with this pleasant message - get an exam every year ladies, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. It is totally worth it.

You Capture

This week's You Capture theme was "Sweet" and since I promised the gals at work that I would bring them cookies in the morning, I figured it was a perfect opportunity to showcase my baking skills. If my husband is reading this, he no doubt just spit Coors Light all over the computer because the only skill I have in the kitchen is eating.

I don't know which is sweeter:

Peanut butter cookies?

Hershey Kisses?

Or the man who stole 1/2 the cookies off of the cooling rack?

It's My Blog and I'll Talk About It If I Want To

Welcome to my journal, my place for family, faith, humor, life-changing memories. I write about my husband, my dog, my job, things that I like, and things that frustrate me, like the woman I work with who curses in the workplace. I write to inspire and encourage, to make you think and make you laugh.

I've said before that this is not my sounding board for fertility issues, and while I have tried to limit what I say here (with the exception of the past couple weeks), the reality is that my life the past few weeks has been about our fertility journey and working 60 hours a week . It's hard to write about my life but avoid certain topics for fear of seeming conceited, but then I would have nothing to talk about I would be lying to myself and denying myself the support I know ya'll can provide.

So here's the story.

In mid-April, I went in for my annual exam, which has got to be comparable to death by stoning. I discussed with my doctor that Aaron and I have been trying to conceive for going on 6 months, and while I wasn't worried it wouldn't happen, I was a little concerned that for as many ovulation tests I had taken, I had never been able to detect the hormone that indicates ovulation (LH Surge). She suggested a "21 day draw", which would determine the levels of progesterone my body generates or produces or gives off or something. Just 48 hours after my blood test, a nurse called to tell me that my levels were low, and the doctor wanted to start me on Clomid. I said okay, thinking all the while that I was going to research alternatives to this medicine because I don't want to have the side effects that will make my husband want to leave me. I certainly wouldn't get pregnant that way.

Ahem.

Anyhow, that same night when I got home, there was a letter in the mail from my doctor, the results from my test the week before. The letter had mulitple lines available for the office to check, from "Everything is fine" to "PLEASE CALL US BEFORE YOUR UTERUS FALLS OUT" and for the first time ever, I had the "PLEASE CALL US BEFORE YOUR UTERUS FALLS OUT" line checked. My heart instantly sank, and I had nightmares about what could be wrong. This is not the place for me to go into my past (that may actually require multiple posts), but I will just say that had I never expected to see any lines marked, other than "okay" and I certainly hadn't expected to see them after I turned 25. Things like "this" won't happen to "me". Of course!

When I called the next day, the nurse was very sweet in telling me that there had been some abnormal cells found during my visit, and the doctor wanted to see me. As if being violated once a year isn't already enough, I scheduled an appointment, and didn't even have to beg Aaron to come along.

The procedure itself wasn't terrible, although I did squeeze Aaron's hand pretty tight, and my doctor mentioned that I'll be a terriffic candidate for an epidural - that she will be able to administer in my fourth month of pregnancy. I couldn't hide the fact that I am a baby, and I have no pain tolerance.

During the appointment last week, she was able to tell me that my risk for cervical cancer is very low. She was not, however, able to rule out other cervical issues, which may or may not be related to my difficulty conceiving thus far. The test results will be back this Friday or next Monday.

When I said this was not my sounding board, I intended to keep it that way. Unfortunately, or not, life happened, and if I was going to continue posting about the things that matter to me, I couldn't avoid letting you know where I've been!

Look for an uplifting picture post soon!

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

I do not normally come to this blog to talk about my "trying to conceive" (ttc) issues. I write about them over here though, and if you're ever interested in our progress, you can check it out! I only wanted to bring attention to National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm glad so many people were able to hear a fraction of my story. I received lots of emails and Facebook messages aside from the comments on my last post, and I just want to thank everyone for your kind, encouraging, loving messages. I am blessed to have you all in my life.

Moving on.

As you may have noticed, Onceuponacline.com has recently undergone a makeover! Beth from I Should Be Folding Laundry and RubyandRoja was lovely to work with, and her vision for my bloggy and twitter makeover was more than I could have imagined.

It was funny, though, how a blog design could make me reflect on the past, and think about the present. Yes, "Once Upon A Cline" is an obvious play on "Once Upon A Time". But as I was thinking about the similarities, I was forced to accept the fact that my life, and my marriage, are not perfect. If you've been around my blogs (here and here) for a few years, you may recall a post about my desire for perfection (of course, I would like to link it, and I can't find it). But the general idea of that post went like this:

As I sat in the Student Union with my Bible Study leader Laura, I told her I just couldn't do it all anymore. I was a full-time student with a part-time job, I sang on the worship team for our weekly Campus Crusade meeting, I lead worship for a Friday afternoon gathering of students, I sang on the worship team at my church, I had 3 different rehearsal nights a week, I was committed to a Bible Study, and two different dicipleships - the one I was being discipled in, and the one where I was discipling. I had a boyfriend and a roommate and a sorority, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And as I cried over my Iced Tea, I told her I never thought I would get there.

"Get where, Natalie?" she asked me gently.

"I don't think I'll ever be perfect".

And with tears streaming down both our faces, she grabbed my hands from across the table, and kindly assured me that I would, in fact, NEVER attain perfection. If I was perfect, I wouldn't need a Saviour.

Five years after that conversation, my manager at work took me out for lunch for my employee evaluation and told me I was doing so well, and that she was really proud of me for how much I'd learned in the past few months. Her only suggestion was to be more willing to accept my mistakes, and to learn from them. She said I was too hard on myself, and I needed to let people help me fix my mistakes, and I needed to be teachable. And right there in the middle of that restaurant, the tears streamed down my face again. She looked shocked, and apologized if she'd said something that upset me, and I told her the story above. And I realized that I hadn't accepted what Laura told me back in 2003; I was still striving for perfection, for that unattainable goal.

Today, I am content with being less than perfect. My marriage is far from perfect. I say things to my husband that I am ashamed of, I yell. There is laundry to be done. My car is messy, and my work desk looks like a tornado blew through the building. I can't cook, I'm a terrible housekeeper, I gossip. I don't do my hair most days, I don't spend time picking out my clothes, and you're lucky to catch me with matching socks.

So my "Once Upon A Cline" is not a story of a perfect fairy tale, where the prince rides in to rescue the princess, kissing her to awaken her from a deep sleep, whilst she dreamed of mice and carriages, and glass slippers. I think I got that wrong. Anyhow...

My "Once Upon A Cline" is my far-from-perfect tale, pool guy rides in to save HR Manager, shaking her to awaken from a deep sleep in which she talks of non-sense and occasionally snores, whilst dreaming of flip-flops, carry out pizza, and someone to mop the floor. A step-sister, if you will. And usually, the princess in this story is drooling on the pillow.

And it's the Fairy Tale I've been waiting for all along.

Thankful

Okay. So before yesterday, I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to post about. Like that Thanksgiving was great, but we got a couple pictures taken, and the box in the back of this picture has sparked massive Facebook commenting, even from people who aren’t in our family. And apparently, my uncle Tony is Mormon, but I thought he was catholic, so I really missed something that day.

(You may have to enlarge the picture to see the box of Bud Light in the background. Or not. You do not, however, have to enlarge the picture to see that, as the oldest grandchild, I am 8th in height order.)

The annual day-after-thanksgiving shopping trip went off without a hitch. We went to Wal-Mart on the south side of Fort Wayne, which is scary, but no one got trampled so we were lucky. No, really, that incident is very unfortunate because there wasn’t anything there worth someone’s life. Moving on.

We drove the Donny and Tesia’s for the rest of the weekend, and they announced their pregnancy! It’s very exciting for them because Tesia has been told that she can’t have kids. She is taking extra good care of herself, and preparing for little fingers and little toes. We went with our friends to a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese, and then brought the now 6 year old birthday boy back to their house for a sleepover. Trae either had too much cake, or a bug, because he was sick all night long. I am terrified of vomit (so much so that it was reason I changed my major from education to P.R. but that post will come later) so I ran in the other direction, while my darling husband sat with the sick boy in the bathroom. He is going to be such a great dad. Of course I felt sick for the rest of the night, although I was sure it was all in my head.

Still with me? Cause this is where it gets real sucky. Aaron was on his way to class and I was on my way to tutoring in Hobart when he called.

“Hello?”
“HI. I’m okay. Really, I’m okay."
“WHY WOULDN’T YOU BE OKAY?”
“Well, I was driving and I hit a patch of ice and went into the ditch.”
“Oh my gosh, are you okay? “ (lol, right?)
“The truck is flipped and..." (I stopped listening here and started FREAK.ING.OUT.)
“Where are you? Are the cops there? Are you okay? Are you still in the truck? I am on my way. I love you. I love you. I love you”
“I am fine, there is someone here to get me out. I will call you back.”
“GET YOU OUT?????? WHAT IS GOING ON??”

CLICK.

And I pulled up to this:

And my darling husband was standing on the side of the road talking on his cell phone with nothing but a scratch to show as a wound.

So needless to say, there was much thanksgiving last night, in a non-turkey eating, Bud Light drinking way. We are thankful for God's protection over Aaron, and the others out driving last night.

This post lacks eloquence, which I can only apologize for, but I had all these thoughts I wanted to get out, and this is how they landed.

Thanks for checking in.