The Worst "End of 2009" Post You've Ever Read

(This is where I'm supposed to write something witty about what 2009 meant to me, and about how it changed me and what I'll remember most.)

(And here is where I'm supposed to write about my hopes and dreams for 2010, my potential resolutions and desires for the year).

(And here is where I tell you that I have a terrible cold and have been laying on the couch all day. I plan to stay here most of the night unless I can convince Aaron to take me out for Mexican food. I mean, if anything is going to clear these sinuses, it's jalepenos.)

Happy New Year. Be well.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

When we were little, my parents used to tell us that they convinced Santa to bring our presents early because we had to go to grandma's in the morning. When I was old enough to drive, I would take my brother and sister to the town nearby on Christmas Eve to purchase carrots* for Rudolph and his friends, and every.single.year. when we arrived home, Santa had already been to our house! On Christmas Eve! We always missed him!

Santa must have known we were going to be busy this year, because he already stopped by. And rumor has it, he told my mom I've been a very good girl this year.



My mom's Christmas tree is full of old ornaments and love. Yes, a Christmas tree can hold love. Love and memories and family.

"Christmas - that magic blanket that wraps itself about us, that something so intangible that it is like a fragrance. It may weave a spell of nostalgia. Christmas may be a day of feasting, or of prayer, but always it will be a day of remembrance - a day in which we think of everything we have ever loved." ~Augusta E. Rundel

For the year we put behind us, I am thankful. I've been happy, and I've been sad. I've been overwhelmed with love and kindness and the friendship of strangers. I've learned things about myself that I'm glad I know, and I've learned things about myself that require a bit of work in the coming year(s). We've loved and we've lost, but we've gained! We've gained Faith and Hope and Love and Trust!

For, we've always had Joy. The Joy that so many only reflect on at this time of year, when it is safe to proclaim that Jesus came to save the world! But I hope that we, that I, will never need a holiday or a season to proclaim that My Joy comes from knowing My Jesus.

Merry Christmas, friends.

xoxo,

Natalie (& Aaron)

{My mom did not buy a defective ornament, there really is an "h" there.}


*{Mom, did you use those carrots, or were they just a prop?}

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Christmas is missing something this year. A big round belly, presents to open for "the baby" - it's just not going to be what I thought it was. But it's not going to be terrible, because we have each other, and we have a family that loves and cares for us and hopes the best for us.

And we have our Angel.

Christmas is my favorite time of the year. My parents house is warm and always smells like cookies and Christmas and the smell of love. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it all year.

And on Christmas morning, our whole family gathers together in Grandma's little house and we all have to sit on top of each other and try not to dump our plates on each other and on the floor, because the house is so small when it's filled with all that love.

The tree is up and most of the presents are wrapped. The Jessica Simpson Christmas CD is in the CD player in the car, and soon, we will bake cookies.

Christmas is not a day, it is a season. A season that reminds me of Peace, Hope, and Love.

I pray that for you too.

Family Candids

I met with Ryan and Gina last Friday to capture some candid moments of them with their adorable children, Jase and Misha.




Oh My Gosh. She's precious!







Really? I can't stand the cuteness.



YUM.





Jase has the greatest smile!



This photography thing? I'm lovin' it.

How He Looks At Her

(I had a photo shoot today with this adorable family. I'll show more pictures later, but had to share this one now.)

Kori & Drew

Took advantage of the gorgeous weather in Northwest Indiana this weekend with a photoshoot!

Lots of things you never wanted to know about me!

I don't usually do these, but I was tagged by Jen, and I had a lot of iced tea today and I can't sleep. SO.

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. Resourceful Mommy :)

2. Where was your first kiss? In a car.

3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? Never, always afraid of getting caught.

4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? Never punched anyone of any sex! I'm a lover, not a fighter.

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? Lots of times - high school musicals, high school show choir (including a performace at Walt Disney World), many weeks of worship
team at church, leading vocals for the praise band at Campus Crusade in college, and 9 weddings.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? I try not to look at other men except Gerard Butler, because HELLO? Whoa.

7. What really turns you off? Lying

8. What do you order at Starbucks? Venti Black Iced Tea, 2 Sweet-n-low, or Grande Hot Chocolate, 1 shot of Peppermint, Skinny, No-whip.

9. What is your biggest mistake? I don't make mistakes I try to think of everything in my life as a learning experience, and really, I don't regret a single thing or think that I made any mistakes.

10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? No, but once I did cut my own hair and it looked AWFUL.

11. Say something totally random about yourself. I am currently watching the Disney Channel.

12. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Heidi Klum. Or my mom, because she is the Mayor of the town I grew up in, and we totally look alike.

13. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows? OHHHH, see #11.

14. Did you have braces? Ugh, yes. And I hated every minute of those 2.5 years.

15. Are you comfortable with your height? What's not to like about being 5'10" and looking like Heidi Klum?!

16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Mr. Cline would be embarrassed if he knew I told you I think he is very romantic! He surprised me with an "at-home" spa for our anniversary this year because we didn't end up wanting to go out of town.

17. When do you know its love? I think love is a choice, and "knowing it's love" is different for everyone. But for the sake of answering the question - for Aaron, I knew it when we got in our first argument, and I knew I wanted to work it out instead of just walk away.

18. Do you speak any other languages? Happy to say that after 4 semesters of American Sign Language, I still remember my nam! And flower! And cookie! But that's about it.

19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Not only have I been to a tanning salon, I used to work at one. Woot.

20. What magazines do you read? Parents, Working Mother, Glamour.

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yes, a few times. But the first time was in the 5th grade because I sold magazines for the fall fundraiser at school and got to ride in a limo to Pizza Hut. Fancy, 'cause that's how we roll.

23. Do you watch MTV? I haven't in a long time.

24. What's something that really annoys you? People who lie, and bad drivers.

25. What's something you really like? Mexican Food

26. Do you like Michael Jackson? I like Michael Jackson circa 1980's.

27. Can you dance? I can shake my groove thing, yes.

28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? All night? All the time in High School and College. Not so much anymore. Lately, probably 2ish.

29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? No, only been to the ER 1 time and that's because I tripped over a parking block and cut my knee. Because I'm full of gracefullness.

30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? Of course! I love learning new things about people to use as blackmail deepen our friendship!

My heart hurts so bad.

I don’t usually blog during work hours, but I need you...

I’ve just learned that a dear friend from High School is having some complications in her pregnancy and will go in for an ultrasound tomorrow looking for a heartbeat. During a visit last week, the ultrasound revealed a sac and a fetus, but no heartbeat. Her hCG levels continue to climb, however.

My heart is broken. I feel sick to my stomach. She does not deserve this. Just as none of us did.

If you’re one for prayers, please remember N tonight as you go before the Great Physician. If you’re one for thinking positive thoughts and sending good energy, she would appreciate that too.

This community is one of love and comfort and support, and I know you will not let her down.

Thank you so, so much.

The Necklace

My therapist suggested I give the baby a name. Even though we didn't know what we were having, she told me to follow my instinct and pick a name. It didn't take a lot of thought, I knew the baby was a girl, and I knew we would have given her a name that started with the letter A.

And so she was to be my Angelina. My Angel.

I never told anyone (even Aaron) about this task I had been assigned, or the name I had picked, but when I talk to her, I call her Angelina. It has helped my grieving process tremendously. And I hadn't ever planned to tell anyone....

Back in October, Casey posted a picture of one of the couture pieces from The R House Etsy Shop. I emailed the link to Aaron and asked him to buy me one of the necklaces for my birthday, and to surprise me with what it said.

It came in the mail last week, and I didn't even want to peak because I love surprises! I couldn't wait for my birthday so I could see which one of the pieces he had chosen!

Last night, I was very sad and missing my baby so much. Aaron and I had a wonderful, heartfelt talk about all we'd been through, and I told him that my therapist had recommended I give the baby a name. After giving it some thought, he asked me if we could call her Angel. My tears turned to sobs as I told him I had been calling her that all along, and then he asked me if he could give me my birthday present a few days early.



Of course. She's always been our Angel.

Who has the chocolate?

I am overly emotional at other's pregnancy annoucements. I was when I was trying to get pregnant, but now that I'm not anymore, those annoucements are even harder to read.

I don't have anything against pregnant woman, and I genuinely wish wonderful, uncomplicated pregnancies for them all. I have, and always will, think that pregnancy is a true miracle, and a pregnant body is amazing and beautiful.

I'm trying to be happy for the women in my life who are pregnant, because I want them to be happy for me too. It's just hard. And it makes me wonder if hearing that I was pregnant was hard for other women. I'm sure it was, and I'm sorry if I flaunted it or rubbed it in.

The thing is, I KNOW this is bad. I KNOW I shouldn't feel this way. I KNOW this is selfish.

But it's still so hard. So, so hard.

**************

I had my appointment today, and am thankful for all your prayers. The doctor said everything looked okay, but we will know for sure when the test results come back.

This post is overly emotional. I can only apologize. And go eat chocolate.

Why the Mirror? Seriously.

No nerves. This is an odd feeling for me, to have to go to the doctor and have tests done and things frozen and be partially naked in a room with a mirror (WTH?), and not be nervous.

But after the year I’ve had, it’s the new normal for me.

Back in May, I had a procedure done that involved partial nakedness and scraping and other things that scared me. And I thought I might have cervical cancer.

Anyhow.

I was nervous on my way to that appointment. I cried and I was shaking and I felt like I was going to throw up. But it ended up being okay.

And then I had to drive back to that office again in July, and had an ultrasound that confirmed my worst fear. The drive there was filled with tears, and shaking, and feeling like I was going to vomit. And when I left that office knowing that I had lost my baby, I couldn’t imagine ever being that scared again. I couldn’t think that driving there would ever feel quite as terrible as that day.

But that day was also filled with prayer. And it changed the course of the day. I prayed, WE PRAYED, and it was okay. It wasn’t good, but it was okay.

And so tomorrow I will have another procedure done. I am not scared, because I will pray. I’m sure I will have butterflies, and probably feel a little bit sick to my stomach. But I know that no matter the outcome, it will be okay. It might not be good, but it will be okay.

(I’m not doctor, but my mom’s a nurse. That doesn’t really have anything to do with this, but my best attempt at the medical explanation of this is over at my Conceive blog.)

Thoughts For A Friday Afternoon.

Being a blogger for Conceive Magazine is kinda hard when my focus has been on loss instead of gain. My mindset is changing though, and this side of conception that I'm on gets a little brighter each day.

During this time, the community over at Conceive Online has been encouraging and uplifting and well, pregnant!

(Oh, and I wrote over there today.)

Thanks for all your encouraging and hopeful comments on my last post. I really hope it's nothing too. I have an appointment next Thursday and am keeping my fingers crossed.

Because, as you'll see over here, we're ready.

Ugh.

The phone rang at the most inappropriate time.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Natalie? This is your doctor's office. The doctor has the result's of your test back, and...we need you to come in again".

"Uh, okay. What's wrong?"

"Well, it appears as though the retest from the procedure you had done in May was 'abnormal'."

Abnormal is not a good word, not when your uterus is involved.

I'll get back to you soon. This sucks. Cause I just wanna have a baby, and my uterus is not cooperating!

Anniversary! (& Winners!)

Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary! Thank you for all the sweet Twitter and Facebook messages!

We exchanged our vows,



While a couple member's of the wedding party took afternoon naps.



We hugged a tree,



And then met Elvis on our honeymoon!

Also, at one point on our honeymoon, we ate at Wendy's. And this picture captures Aaron's personality and makes me smile.

Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband!

***************************

There were a couple Anonymous commenters who were chosen to receive the Seeds of Hope from Earth Mama Angel Baby. I have listed the comment time here, and if it was your comment, and you would like the Seeds, please email me at nataliejcline at yahoo dot com.

If you do not want to identify yourself, I completely understand. You will have until Monday, October 26 at 9 am to email me your information. If there are unclaimed packets of Seeds of Hope, I will choose new names. Also, if your name is listed below and you did not receive an email, it was because I did not have your address. Please email me!

Seeds of Hope

Michele

Living In A Girls World

Julia

JayBee

RHCP - 10/15 - 9:03 am

SaraJoy

The Root of All Evel

Anon (Amy T) - 10/15 - 2:37 pm

Em

Rachel - 10/18 - 4:02 am

The winner of the $25 gift certificate to the Earth Mama Angel Baby site is Mrs. Soup! Hopefully you find something wonderful for yourself or Baby Soup!

Thank you to Earth Mama Angel Baby for providing the Seeds of Hope and gift certificate!

Wave of Light

This day, made easier by the love and support of many. Thank you for coming here and sharing your stories. To those of you who shared by email or Facebook, thank you.

I read your comments, prayed, and cried with you over your loses. And tonight, at 7pm, people around the world lit candles in honor of all the babies lost.

I lit a candle for every baby honored here today, and I remembered.

I wish you could have felt the warmth coming from those candles.

******************************

I have been fortunate enough to to get to know some of the amazing Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby.. I met Sheri, one of the Mama's, at BlogHer (back in July) while I was enjoying the wonder of pregnancy. I talked with her about the products offered for pregnant mothers and their babies. I inquired about a display on a table all it's own, and she identified the products as the Baby Loss Comfort line, for women suffering baby loss. I commented how wonderful it was that they carried such products, and should I have a friend who experiences loss, I would keep them in mind to send a care package.

Shortly after the miscarriage, I was fortunate to receive those very products I had looked at with a saddened heart. Sheri spent the next weeks checking in on me, and offering support through words and resources.

I have since had the opportunity to communicate with more of the team, and the wonderful Mama's over at Earth Mama Angel Baby know that my heart is to reach out to women who are dealing with baby loss.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, they have generously donated ten (10) packets of Seeds of Hope for those of you who come here to support me, and to find support.

Seeds of Hope contain certified organic and organically grown seeds which you can plant in honor of your baby.

This giveaway is not difficult. Just leave a comment below. If you left a comment on this post, you are also eligible. Ten (10) winners will be randomly chosen and your Seeds of Hope will be mailed to you. There really are no strings attached. My hope is that you will be encouraged by the Seeds of Hope, and by the products Earth Mama Angel Baby offers.

In addition, one reader will receive a $25 gift card to be used on any of the products on their site. All comments on this post and this post will be eligible.

Thank you for being here. Your support these past weeks have carried me.

*I blog with integrity. Earth Mama Angel Baby sent me products following my miscarriage, and I am thankful to pass some of their products on to you. I was not monetarily compensated for this post. All winners will be contacted by email (if provided) or will be displayed on this blog. Giveaway ends and winners will be announced on Tuesday, October 20, after 9pm.

The Tears Just Keep Coming

Tomorrow is October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day. As I sit tonight and try to find the words to express what I'm feeling, I come up short. I miss my baby. It's just not fair. To never feel her move, to never hear his heartbeat.

But on the day I should be entering my 22nd week of Pregnancy, I will stand united with the hundreds of thousands of parents who have lost their babies. The statistics are staggering; the heartache breath taking. Our babies are gone and we will never be the same.


I will forever cherish the weeks I spent with our baby growing inside of me. I will forever remember the day we lost that miracle. My heart will never be the same, my family never complete. But there is hope and I know this. The joy comes in the morning!

I know some of you come here and don't comment and that's okay. But today, if you feel safe (and I truly hope you do), please leave a comment in honor of your baby. Your babies. You can comment anonymously if you wish.

I cannot express the difference you all have made in my life, and I would be honored to pray for you and for your lost children. I will be on my knees for you tomorrow and in the coming days and weeks. You have my word.

My name is Natalie Cline and I lost my first child to miscarriage at 10w4d on Monday, July 27, 2009.

10/09/2009

Tomorrow, I have been "not pregnant" for the same amount of time that I was pregnant.

10 weeks, 4 days.

The first 10w4d went very quickly. They were days filled with excitement and anticipation and annoucements!

The last 10w4d have crawled by, taking their sweet time. They are days filled with questions and wonder and fear. But they are also days filled with hope and belief.

I feel like I've reached a milestone, and the future excites me.

Thank you for being here.

Awareness Ribbons

To me, October has always meant Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I wore pink ribbons on my clothes, tied them around my purse, and changed the profile picture on my Facebook account to one with a pink ribbon. I taped posters of pink ribbons on my dorm room. I had a pink ribbon magnet on the back of my car. I encouraged all of the women in my life to get "squished" and all the men in my life to remind the women in their lives.

I remember Mrs. Bright and Aunt Pat, who fought a hard fight. I honor a customer named Carole, and now Lori, a mother from my home town, who I just KNOW is going to beat the cancer! I praised God for sparing the other women in my life who have been so blessed to have "good" exams and mammograms. Remembering Breast Cancer Awareness during October (and all year) has always been (and will continue to be) very important in my life.

But did you know that October is also Baby Loss Awareness Month? I wasn't going to bring it up, but when I read Sara's post today, I know I had to recognize it. Not just for me, but for you. And for you. And also for you.

Whether you lost your baby, or your grandbaby. Your neice, nephew, or sibling. I'm sorry I didn't recognize. I'm sorry I hoped it wasn't real.

But it is. It is very real and very painful and yet, it brings healing.

I haven't decided what I will do on October 15th to honor my baby. In fact, I haven't quite figured out what any of this means.

Unlike Breast Cancer Awareness, which has always been "such a great cause", this awareness is very real to me. There are no extra ribbons on my purse, no magnets on my car.

I wear this ribbon on my heart.

No Turning Back

I've been feeling good lately.

OHMYGOSHWHATDIDSHEJUSTSAY?

Yes, good.

Trust me, it is unreal to me most days, this peace that overwhelms me. But it is not easy. I worry that once I say "I'm good, thank you", I won't be able to go back to "I'm okay today" or "I'm having a hard day".

I know these things are not true. I know that it's okay to take a step back. But I'm afraid that once I say things are good, I'm good, people will forget. And think it's okay for us all to just move right along and pretend nothing ever happened. And not understand the next time I have a hard day (and I know that day will come).

I want to feel good. I've prayed to feel peace and I know you've prayed for it also. Thank you.

Promise me that you'll understand one good day doesn't mean another. And that feeling "good" doesn't take away the bad. Promise me that when I say things are good, you won't forget.

I'm so scared you'll forget.

Mummy Deals!

My friend Clair runs a very informative website on saving money! Whether you want to save so that you can quit your job to stay home with the kids, save for a vacation, or just have more shoes, Clair's shopping tips can help!

She doesn't expect you to take hours a week clipping coupons, so she links to the best deals around! I have saved a considerable amount of money this year on body products, make-up, and items for around the house. By combining coupons and store deals, I managed to pick up 4 bottles of name brand body soap for $.27 each in 2 shopping trips taking a total of 10 minutes! That's a HUGE deal!

Clair is starting a video series called "How to slash your grocery bill" and I encourgage you to check out her site. The best way to benefit from her program is to sign up for her email update. (She sends out one email a day highlighting all of the deals on her blog, and she doesn't send spam.) At the end of the series, she will be having giveaways that you DO NOT want to miss!

So, what are you waiting for? Go to Clair's site, Mummy Deals, and sign up for her email update. Then send her an email and tell her I sent you! You'll be glad you did!

Conceive

The wonderful gals over at Conceive have been so patient with me as I figure out the direction to take my blog, The Lost Stork. They have offered support and encouragement which is so appreciated.

I posted there today, and hopefully will get back in the swing of things soon!

Never the same, but yes.

In this club, the membership eligibilty is loss and no one wants in. But here we are.

Our stories are similar, but not the same. Never the same. It was my first baby, my mother's third and fifth, my grandma's fourth. Never the same.

I was nearly 11 weeks, she was further. She held her baby, and then released him to Jesus.

Never the same.

There is a loss that brings old friends together. A loss that brings new friends into our lives.

But the ties that bind are strong. There is compassion and love and immediate friendship. A connection beyond ourselves, and we know who brings us together. Our Angels bring us together.

A shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. A friend to call on in the darkness. She has been there, He understands, They know. Our stories are never the same, but yes. They are so much alike.

Longing, then loss. Grief and coping. Living, despite the pain.

We are united, and together we stand.



*Should you be here today because you too are a member of this club, I am so sorry. You are always welcome here, please email me if you'd like to talk.

Weekend Pt. 1

This weekend, I had lots of fun and lots of opportunities to take some photos. On Friday night, Dory danced at the local high school football game. I don't really do well with action shots, so you can't see them.

On Saturday morning, I went to Crush's soccer game. I took my camera, but please refer to paragraph one.

Dory and I spent a couple hours together, taking pictures and laughing about things that are funny to a 9 year-old. We had such a sweet time together.

We went to a nearby park, and saw lots of amazing flowers, which I had to capture.

And then we saw a butterfly.

After the awful dreams I've been having, I needed that butterfly.

Oh, I needed that butterfly.